Elf On The Shelf - Fun Tradition or Emotional Tension?
Does this little December visitor create harmony or anxiety?
It’s that time of year again when the Elf On The Shelf arrives into households across the world in preparation for the ‘being good’ season. As a Child & Adolescent Therapist, I’ve heard many interesting stories over the years about elves. They become a huge part of a child’s family and an influencer in their formative years. They can be great fun characters to have around,and many get up to lots of mischief during their December visit.
However, the elves also have aspecific job to do over the twenty-four days they spend in households. They are Santa’s little spies!! One of their main roles is to make sure children are behaving or they risk losing out on getting toys for Christmas. Because each night the Elf reports back to Santa on the days events and if the news is not good the child might end up on Santa’s naughty list. Not a place you want to be!!!!
It appears therefore that theultimate purpose of this little character is to improve children’s behaviour.And what parent wouldn’t want someone taking over the disciplining for a few weeks?
So, let’s explore it a littlefurther as according to many child psychologists this concept can actually be having a negative impact on children’s mental health.
Research tells us that thisstrategy for behavioural modification can result in negative self-belief, self-worth and unhelpful emotional regulation.
Although they may not outwardlyexpress it, some children with low tolerance levels may inwardly experiencefeelings such as: Fear- “what happens if I don’t actually get any gifts”; Guilt - “I’m a bad child for not doing what I’m told”; Shame – “people will know I’m ‘bad’ and didn’t get anything from Santa; Anger - “at myself, for putting me on the naughty list, I hate myself for doing that?”
This is not to say that childrenshouldn’t or won’t feel any of these emotions throughout their lives, but Christmas is supposed to be about fun, love, sharing and happy feelings. Do we really want them to inwardly worry unnecessarily for the next four weeks? After all I’ve yet to meet a child who, regardless of their behaviour ended up with a lump of coal for Christmas. So, the consequence is never actually fulfilled and the inward worry for those weeks was unnecessary.
Let’s consider this concept in anadult world. Imagine if your boss told you they were installing a monitored observation camera in your environment for one month every year so they could track your behaviour throughout the day and the outcome would determine whether you receive your wage or not at the end of the month. Would you be up for it?
It might make you more aware of yourbehaviour for that period of time, but you would likely go back to your old ways once the surveillance is over, knowing it’s another year until you have to be consciously ‘good’ again. And, how would you feel when you discover that double standards exist, whereby all employees received their wages even though you know others behaved badly. What’s the point of it all then??
So, back to the elves. They’reallowed to be naughty, cause as much disruption as they like and it’s laughed at, with no consequences. However, leaving toys lying around, messing the floor, not doing what they’re asked, results in kids being reported on to Santa on a daily basis with a risk of being put on the naughty list and even worse the possibility of receiving a lump of coal rather than toys on Christmas morning.
In terms of behaviouralmanagement for children, how effective is it really? Once Christmas morning comes, they just go back to old ways, after all they’ve got a whole year until they have to be good again.
Generally, behavioural outburstsare as a result of some deeper emotional regulation, not on whether they’ll receive their coveted toy in a few weeks. If you really want to understand your child’s behaviour, use positive attention – giving them time and just listening. Research tells us that this is a much more effective way to increase the frequency of positive behaviour. Engaging with them to understand what’s happening in that moment rather than the threat of an elf would be far more productive in the long term.
So, if your family really enjoyshaving your Elf on the Shelf, there’s no need to banish the lovable, fun character back to the North Pole with a ‘you’re fired’ note, but rather, think of ways they can be used as a tool to teach children intrinsic values that will last all year.
· Make sure your Elf is seen as a positiveaddition to your household in the lead up to Christmas. Make them feel welcomeand introduce them to everyone including pets and other toys.
· Your Elf can simply visit and have some fun!Take them on adventures, have them join in on Christmas movie nights [watch outfor the popcorn though, they love messing with it]
· Have them point out the times your child doessomething right rather than what they did wrong, without linkingit to gifts or labelling your child in any way.
· Instead of reporting back negative stuff toSanta invite your Elf to suggest an act of kindness that kids can complete each day. It’s a great wayto instil positive values of gratitude, generosity and empathy, etc.
· Encourage them to help your child to make themost of their day. And if your child gets upset maybe they could tell their Elfabout it. They’re great at listening and are really understanding!!
Your Elf on the Shelf reallydoesn’t have to DO anything. Just enjoy their light-hearted practical jokes and take the focus off behaviour modification. After all, Christmas is about having lots of fun so make the most of it!!
Wexford People Newspaper 27th November 2024
Tired Or Emotionally Drained?
How To Tell What Your Child Really Needs
I was recently invited to help co-author a manual for teens about the different types of rest they need to function well in life. It was interesting to research this further and the one type of rest that resonated the most with me was ‘emotional rest’ as this is something that regularly crops up in the therapy room.
We all live in a fast-paced and often demanding world, and children, just like adults, need various types of rest to maintain their well-being. Emotional rest plays a crucial role in helping them manage their feelings, express their emotions freely, and recharge from the emotional demands of everyday life. However, as adults we can often mistake a child’s need for emotional rest as mere tiredness or even laziness. Understanding and recognising when your child needs emotional rest, especially after a long day at school or college, can help you provide the best support they need.
Children are exposed to various emotional demands throughout their day whether it’s at school, interacting with peers, managing academic pressures, navigating social situations, trying to meet expectations from others, or simply dealing with the pressures of growing up. This can all be emotionally draining. If emotions are bottled up without any release or understanding of them, it can lead to emotional exhaustion.
It’s natural for parents to assume that after a day or week at school or college, their child’s tiredness is just a need for physical rest. It's important not to confuse emotional exhaustion with laziness which often implies a lack of motivation to engage in activities, but what can seem like laziness might be a child’s way of avoiding emotional burnout. They may not be unmotivated but rather are overwhelmed and need space to process. Here are some things to look out for:
• A child in need of emotional rest may seem withdrawn or disconnected, avoid conversations or social interactions and no longer gets excited about activities they usually enjoy.
• They might shut down emotionally when you ask about their day and can seem unusually irritable or have sudden mood changes without an apparent cause.
• They might express anxiety over small things or feel incapable of managing their day-to-day routine
• Or might respond with frustration or sadness when faced with minor challenges or when asked to do something.
Emotional rest is about feeling safe in expressing emotions without judgment or the pressure of hiding how you truly feel. For children and teens, this can mean having a space where they don’t feel they need to be "on" all the time or perform emotionally for others.
Unlike physical tiredness, which can often be relieved with sleep, emotional rest requires a different kind of recovery. Children need time and space to process their feelings, connect emotionally with loved ones, and feel supported in sharing what’s on their mind without judgment.
How to Help Your Child Gain Emotional Rest
Validate Their Emotions: Acknowledge how your child feels, even if you feel it is exaggerated. Validating feelings helps build your child’s emotional awareness and helps them learn how to express their emotions freely. Let them know that it's okay to feel overwhelmed or tired emotionally and that they don’t always have to be “strong” or “happy.” In fact, those who are familiar with Disney’s Inside Out movie 1, will remember that it was ‘Sadness’ that helped Riley more than ‘Joy’.
Help Them Disconnect: Sometimes, the constant barrage of social media, school expectations, and peer pressure can become too much. Encourage your child to take breaks from their devices and have downtime where they are free from emotional demands.
Offer Reassurance Without Pressure: Instead of insisting that your child talk about their emotions right away, offer gentle reassurance that you're there to listen whenever they’re ready. Sometimes they just need time and space to do nothing but decompress and process the events of the day.
Encourage Mindful Activities: Activities such as drawing, playing games, listening to music or taking quiet walks can help children process their emotions without the need for verbal expression. These activities allow emotional release in a calm, non-demanding way.
Model Emotional Self-Care: Children often learn how to manage emotions by observing their parents. Show them healthy ways to rest emotionally by managing your own stress, taking breaks when needed, and being open about your feelings.
When children learn how to rest emotionally, they develop resilience, emotional intelligence, and a healthier relationship with their own feelings. They become better at managing the emotional ups and downs of life, reducing anxiety and emotional burnout. They become more focused, motivated, and better equipped to navigate challenges at school and in social settings. This also fosters stronger communication with parents, leading to a deeper sense of trust and openness so they can engage more positively with peers and family members.
As a parent, recognising when your child needs emotional rest is key to supporting their overall well-being. By distinguishing emotional exhaustion from regular tiredness, you can provide them with the space and encouragement they need to process their emotions, recharge, and reconnect with the world around them. Ultimately, emotional rest will help your child feel more balanced, secure, and ready to face the challenges of growing up.
Wexford People Newspaper 2th September 2024
Safeguarding Your Child: Advice For Parents On The Dangers Of Online Predators
I’ve written and spoken on this topic several times in the past and worked with young people and parents when they have become the targets of online grooming. Unfortunately, it continues to rear its ugly head and has gotten to a stage where children are being threatened and blackmailed. We have had calls from distressed parents over the past couple of months whose children have been subjected to online grooming, mostly through gaming sites, or on social media platforms to start with before being coerced into chatting more privately on communication apps such as Snapchat, WhatsApp, Messaging, etc. Unfortunately, the young person feels they are wrong and, in some cases, have used self-harming strategies to try cope with the guilt and fear. Children and teens don't have the mental capacity to make rational decisions about what to do when they get caught up in this ‘twisted game’ and fear becomes the biggest obstacle.
And before you say, this wouldn’t happen to my child. It’s happening, maybe not to your child right now, but unfortunately, it’s happening.
Access to the internet through smart devices, social media, and online gaming platforms create opportunities for predators to gain access to young people and build a false sense of trust whilst preying on their vulnerability. It’s a slow process of coercion and manipulation and over time, the predator normalises conversations with the young person about sexual behaviour and intimacy making it more acceptable to take actions they wouldn’t normally do.
It generally happens where a young person thinks they are being contacted by someone of their own age with a shared interest in their gaming or online activity. However, in cases of online abuse it comes from a person pretending to be someone they’re not. Having developed a friendship with the young person they may share inappropriate imagery and request the young person to send images of themselves. In some incidents once the images have been received, threatening messages are sent to the young person stating that unless they pay a sum of money, their images will be shared with a group that they’ll set up with the young person’s contacts (e.g. friends, school peers, family members). Fear then takes over and the young person feels they are in the worst possible trouble.
What to look out for if you are concerned your child might be being targeted by online predators:
• Inappropriate content on their phone or device
• Sudden changes in mood, especially after being online.
• A sudden change in personality, withdrawal from family and friends or disengaging in social activities
• Becoming secretive about their online activity, closing their screens when you come close or refusing to tell you about their online friends.
• Insisting on having their phones in their bedroom at night. Predators tend to encourage children to be online when parents are less likely to know about it.
• Talking about new online friends, especially if these friends are older.
• Hearing them talk about meeting someone new or plans to meet up with an online friend
I have read several articles from various politicians over the past number of months calling on the Government to increase the digital consent age and to put stronger measures in place to help protect young people. However, young people are naturally curious and adventurous so they will find ways to cross the boundaries. Laws, while they are protectors, may not be enough. Parents are the agents of change in a young person’s life and are their real protectors. So as parents, think about what you are protecting your child from. It’s not just the exposure to the abuse or potential abuse, which, in itself is terrifying, but the mental health effects that linger for much longer:
• Anxiety, depression and panic attacks caused by feelings of shame, guilt, and fear
• PTSD causing flashbacks, nightmares, and severe emotional dysregulation.
• Feeling worthless or unlovable which can severely impact their self-esteem and self-worth.
• Long term effects on trust, social interactions and relationships with peers and even family members.
• Body image issues because of exposure or threat of exposure of personal images by a perpetrator.
• Where a strong friendship or even relationship had seemed to develop, the psychological impact can cause even more intense emotional pain and feelings of hopelessness which can lead to the young person harming themselves to release the pain they are experiencing.
Parents, please develop an open communication dialogue with your child where they will be confident enough to share anything with you in relation to their internet usage. Yes, you may be angry but let them know that behind anger is fear, fear that something bad will happen to them. Remind them of times you have been angry with them in the past, but you were all able to move on from it and find a way around it. I’m sure there are many examples in everyone’s house. If they feel they can’t talk to you about it, then encourage them to connect with a trustworthy person in their life to whom they can tell things to and who will help them to share concerns with you.
Internet activity is a part of your child’s life, so keep them safe by routinely reviewing and adjusting the privacy settings on their devices and social media profiles. Supervise their online behaviour and implement parental controls as needed. Educate them on the risks of online grooming and help them identify suspicious activities. Advise them to only communicate online with people they know in person.
If the content of this article is something you are concerned may be happening or has happened to your child, please reach out to someone for support. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and you are not alone.
Wexford People Newspaper 7th August 2024
School Holidays
a time for balancing relaxation and routine
It’s school holiday season!! A time of great cheer for many households as the strict routine gets a reprieve. However, for some parents, stress levels are elevated as they ponder on how to manage some semblance of routine to prevent them from pulling their hair out by the end of August.
In this piece we’re going to explore the benefits of maintaining some form of routine and consistency, balanced with downtime and freedom so that families can come out the other side of summer holidays without the almighty struggle of getting back into routine.
Despite our unseasonal weather, summer is seen as a time for relaxation and fun, a welcome break from the rigorous schedules of the school year. However, while a more relaxed approach is welcome, maintaining some level of structure is crucial for children's mental health.
Children thrive on routine and consistency; it provides clearer expectations and boundaries. Research from the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry tells us that when young people have consistent daily routines, they experience lower levels of anxiety and stress, as they know what to expect and when to expect it. This provides a sense of stability and security, and supports their emotional well-being, helping them feel safe and confident.
Structured days with a variety of physical activities and leisure time provides a balance that can help prevent boredom and therefore lead to better behaviour and cooperation as children are less likely to become irritable when they know what is expected of them.
While there are endless options for summer camps this isn’t always feasible as they can be costly and take some work with navigating transport to and from venues. Having a daily schedule at home can be just as beneficial.
Create a daily plan that involves your child’s input, this gives them a sense of ownership and responsibility. A plan might include outdoor activities such as hurling, football, tennis, basketball, swimming, trampoline … the list is endless and if the weather intervenes or for something a bit more relaxing, have board games, creative projects, reading, drawing, colouring, Lego, etc.
Over the years of working with young people I have learned that family time is one of the most important things in their life and so school holidays is a perfect time to get involved in your child’s activities. Flashback to pandemic isolation and the single most significant memory that children have expressed is “time with my family”. Getting involved as a family can help create summer holiday memories that leave an imprint for life.
Create opportunities for some family activities such as nature walks, swimming, cycling or indoor activities such as baking, board games, card games, movie nights.
Physical activity is essential for physical health and has been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety, stress and depression in young people whilst helping to improve their self-esteem. Endorphins released during physical exercise act as natural mood enhancers.
Therefore, there may be some household or gardening projects that you have put on the long finger that you may now get your kids involved in. Try make it a fun exercise by incorporating elements of play and creativity. Let the kids have a say in how chores are divided, or which tasks they prefer, giving them a sense of responsibility. Create a chore chart offering small rewards when all the chores are completed.
Create a fun playlist to dance to while doing chores such as tidying up, sorting laundry, emptying dishwasher, etc. Let the kids choose their favourite songs to keep them engaged. I remember having fun with my siblings when I was a child doing a weekly chore. We put fluffy socks on and danced and skidded around the room, not realising we were cleaning the floor.
To get them outdoors more, maybe give them their own small plot or container to garden. Let them choose what to plant and take responsibility for their own mini garden. Incorporate activities like painting pots or stones for the garden, making plant name markers, building birdhouses or decorating the doghouse and have them use their devices more productively by researching about animals, plants, insects, and gardening.
By combining these elements, you can transform mundane tasks into enjoyable and rewarding activities for young people, whilst also getting in some very healthy laughter therapy and naturally increasing the feel-good chemical, serotonin.
Praise and reward efforts, even if the results aren’t perfect. Positive reinforcement encourages continued participation.
Celebrate with a small picnic in the garden, or if weather hampers this, then have it inside on the floor. It’s amazing how exciting eating on a mat can be!!
As much as possible keep kids involved in social activities they were engaged in during the year as social connection is also vital to well-being. Studies emphasise the importance of staying connected with friends and is fundamental to good mental health. Engaging in social activities helps maintain emotional stability, fosters a sense of belonging and reduces loneliness and boredom which is generally prevalent when routine is not in place.
Maintaining a healthy sleep pattern over the summer break is also essential for overall mental and physical health. According to the Journal of Family Psychology, bedtime routines improve sleep quality and overall mood and supports cognitive functions - When we think good, we feel good!!
As we’ve identified, maintaining a routine during the summer does not mean eliminating fun, rather, it's about finding a balance that supports children's mental health and well-being. By providing a structured yet flexible schedule, children can enjoy a fulfilling and enriching summer feeling refreshed and ready to settle into a new school year.
Wexford People Newspaper 26th June 2024
